Kittens vs Elves & The Continued Adventures
by Nikki1
Summary: If you're looking for a serious, thought provoking fic...look elsewhere bc this is pure, random funniness...Chapter 3 now up! What does Arwen have to do to get rid of the laughing curse? and what does Legolas have to do it? Why is Aragorn crying!
1. Default Chapter

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Warning: utter and complete stupidity/randomness…I make fun of everyone in this fic, including ::gasp:: Legolas!!! don't be fooled, I really do love him!!!

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Kittens vs. Elves

'900...902...904.…finally, 906 Middle Earth Dr....' muttered Legolas to himself as he power walked into a rather dilapidated looking business building.

The frustrated Elf cursed aloud as he searched for room number 57, tripping in a very un-elflike manner over loose planks, garbage and the occasional bum sprawled across the floor. 

He finally came across two rooms, side by side, which each had numbers that could pass as the number 57 painted onto the door. He stood between them, seriously contemplating his decision while stroking his chin and raising one eyebrow. Everyone knows that doing so expedites the thought process. 

His eyes mimicked that stereotypical cat clock, you know the black one with the tail that wags and the eyes that move from side to side? Yeeess…that one….but continuing with the story…Legolas' deliboration was quite rudely interrupted when Haldir stuck his head out of the door on the left and screamed, "For the love of paste, Legolas, can't you read the freakin sign?!!"

Ignoring Haldir's obvious displeasure, Legolas turned his attention to a fluorescent orange sign when flashing lights around the edge which read: IMPORTANT MEETING FOR ELVES IN THIS ROOM…ALL ELVES COME HERE…THIS MEANS YOU LEGOLAS!! 

"Hmm…you would think they would make something like that a little more obvious, wouldn't you?" asked Legolas of Haldir.

Haldir shook his head softly before shuddering and turning back to his seat. 

Legolas followed the Lorien elf into the conference room and greeted the other elves there before moving to sit by his father…the king…just making sure you know…

Besides Legolas, Haldir and Thranduil…the king…, Galadriel, Celeborn, Elrond and Arwen were also sitting around a large rectangular table with a large plate of beautifully decorated sugar cookies placed in the middle. The elves made small talk for a while, Elrond eyeing the plate of cookies, longing and frustration evident in his expression, and Thranduil…the king…stroking the bag of gold and jewels he always carried with him, even to the bathroom, while Arwen laughed hysterically to herself. What the hell are they doing there, you ask? don't be so impatient!!…

The small talk, longing, stroking and maniacal laughter were quickly interrupted by the entrance of a young human girl with a scientific personage, right down to the undeniably essential white lab coat and glasses. She had quite a serious demeanor and ignored the greetings from the elves sitting at the table. 

Standing at the front of the room, the aspiring scientist waited for the chatter to die down before she began her speech. 

"Now, you are all likely wondering why I called you here today…"

"No," interrupted Galadriel, "You want to share the results of the experiment."

Sighing and rolling her eyes dramatically, the 'scientist' said sarcastically, "Thank you, Galadriel."

"Glad to be of service," replied the elf-witch with a small salute.

"As Galadriel said…"

"Oh Nikki," said Celeborn, stretching his hand high in the air and waving it anxiously.

Stomping her foot on the floor childishly, the scientist said "I told you! Call me Dr. Nikki!! I'm in my scientist outfit!!"

"Well, yes," began Celeborn, "but you're not a real doctor."

"Well the outfit is real."

"No it's not, you don't even wear glasses. You don't even have lenses in those babies."

Sighing once more, the scientist, who may be fake but is nonetheless lacking in imagination, said with a pout "Well thank you for ruining my fun, Captain Obvious."

Borrowing the salute from Galadriel, Celeborn said "No problemo."

Cue the hysterical laughter from a certain annoying Imladris Elf maiden.

"Come on, get on with it," said Haldir impatiently, "The last horse leaving from here to Lorien is taking off in less than an hour."

"You know, someone really needs to invent the car already," said Legolas.

"Yes, but unfortunately that won't happen for many, many years, Legolas dear," said Galadriel

"And yet we have street addresses, bums and office buildings…curious," muttered Thranduil.

Cue the chin stroking and eyebrow lifting of all. Celeborn watched Elrond out of the corner of his eye. He had always been jealous of that elf's eyebrow lifting abilities. It just wasn't fair…

"okay okay okay," said Dr. Nikki ( ::giggle::giggle:: ) "Maggee, if you would be so kind…"

An absolutely *adorable* kitten, really the cutest, sweetest, most loyal kitten you have *ever* seen, popped up behind the control desk in the back of the room and pressed the button to lower the computer screen…

"oooooo…ahhhh"

"Thank you kitty-face, now if you could please play my power-point presentation…"

The kitten then began the program, shes very advanced, you know…

Pointing to the first slide with her nifty laser pointer, amid the ooo's and ahh's of her audience, the scientist said, "This is the first slide. As you can see, it is a graph with many lines of different colors. Some are thin and some are not."

"oooo"

"Look at the colors…"

"But what does it mean?"

"Well," said the scientist thoughtfully, "Not much really…I made them up on my way over here."

"oh."

"Second slide, please!"

"ooooo!"

"Now this slide is a picture of my last vacation to Kings Canyon. This is me in front of a very large tree."

"Yes that is a very large tree…" said Thranduil…the king…conspiringly to his son, who nodded deeply. A very large tree indeed. Oh the possibilities…

"Elrond!" yelled the scientist as she turned the lights back on. The forenamed elf lord had taken advantage of the darkness to pounce upon the plate of cookies and feast upon the spoils of his hunting. "Those cookies were for everyone! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Glancing around to the not very pleasant faces in the room (who would be pleasant after being robbed of the opportunity to feast upon cookies? Well…Arwen was laughing, but shes just odd) Elrond allowed his face to become very serious and made what sounded to be a very sincere apology. Of course, it would have come across much more sincere if he hadn't had pink frosting and multi-colored sprinkles plastered across his face. 

Taking his attention off of his crumb-ridden son-in-law and turning to the 'scientist', Celeborn said, "Now what exactly were those slides meant to prove?"

"Duh, Celeborn," said the scientist laughingly, "There weren't _supposed_ to mean anything. I just like messing around with powerpoint."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Ok, what I really wanted to say is this:…Galadriel don't say anything!" screeched Dr. Nikki as she saw Galadriel opening her mouth.

"The results of the experiment are in: Cats are, on average, much much MUCH better pets then elves."

Yells of protest rang around the room as the elves argued that the results had been falsified…the scientist was biased…while Maggee the cuteness sat smugly behind the computer desk, her little arms crossed across her little kitty chest. 

"We demand to know on which grounds you came up with this decision," said Haldir hotly. 

"yes yes…we at least deserve that," was the general consensus of the other elves.

"Very well, I am only too glad to tell you," began the scientist.

"First of all, you all know that you each came to live with me for a week so that I could observe what it would be like to have an elf for a pet."

Nods from the elf crowd around the room…giggles from Arwen.

"Well I took notes from that experience…well okay I didn't take notes, but I remember how you guys behaved and I made this list…" rummaging through a briefcase that suddenly appeared on the table in front of her. 

"Here it is…" said Dr. Nikki triumphantly as she held up a piece of flowery stationary. 

"Okay…Reason number 1 for why cats are better pets than elves...

1. Cats do not tell you how the season finale of their favorite TV show is going to end…

"I told you I was sorry about that," mumbled Galadriel "Sheesh…way to hold a grudge…"

"If I may continue…"

2. Cats only eat the cat food that you put in their dish. They do not, therefore, eat every single scrap of food in your house (even last years Halloween candy that you had hidden in your drawer of unmentionables) in addition to the cat food…

"You even ate the cat food Elrond?" asked Thranduil…the king…in a disgusted tone, voicing the question of every other elf in the room.

Sobbing and throwing his head into his folded arms on the table, Elrond wailed, "I thought it was tuna flavored cereal!!! And it tasted so gooooooood!!""

Haldir and Legolas shared a worried glance before sadly shaking their heads. Neither would ever look at the lord of Imladris the same way again. 

3. Cats do not ever EVER laugh, giggle, guffaw, or chortle. EVER!!

All eyes swiveled to Arwen, who was clutching her mouth, her eyes alight with mirth. She eventually couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out in loud and ear ringing hoots of amusement. 

"Arwen…" began Legolas, "What exactly are you laughing at?"

"I…::giggle::….don't….::giggle::…know!!!"

Shaking her head with bewilderment, the scientist muttered quietly to herself, "Sometimes I just don't understand…"

"What was that?" asked Haldir.

"Which brings me to number 4..."

4. Cats, even if they did hear everything you said, could not eavesdrop on private conversations and then blab the details of that conversation to other cats and/or humans…

Intense glare at Haldir…

"Hey its not my fault you talk about your secret crushes in front of everyone."

"In front of everyone?! I was hiding in my closet under a pile of clothes and stuffed animals!!"

"As I said…in plain sight…"

The scientist simply continued to sigh as the elves broke into a rendition of "David and Dr. Nikki, sitting in a tree….K I S S I N G!!!…

"Stop it!!""

"First comes love!!"

"Stoooooopppp!!!!"

"Then comes marriage!!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"Then comes David with a bay-bee carraige!!"

Shaking with unbridled fury as the elves giggled behind their hands, well all but Arwen who had fallen out of her chair and was holding her sides, gasping for breath by that time, Dr. Nikki attempted to collect herself so that she might continue without killing any not so innocent elves.

"Number five…" hissed Dr. Nikki between stiff lips.

5. Cats can groom and clean themselves wherever and whenever and monopolize no time whatsoever in the bathroom…

"Its not my fault you signed up for a 7 a.m. French class, now is it?" said Legolas, knowing full well that number five was meant for him.

"Nooooo," agreed Dr. Nikki, "But it IS your fault that you get in the shower at 5 in the morning and don't get out until noon!!!"

"Dr. Nikki, Dr. Nikki, Dr. Nikki…it is my belief that showers and/or baths should never, and I mean never be rushed….it is a very delicate process…a blending of shampoos and conditioners…a time for making decision between loofas or wash clothes…"

"Oh, always go for the loofa," advised Celeborn, his wife nodding agreeably behind him.

"No, I have to disagree," said Haldir, "There are occasions for which a wash cloth serves best…"

"Name one…"

"Enough, enough!! That's beside the point. Look, I'm almost done. Can I just please finish?"

Celeborn and Haldir each nodded slowly but continued to eye the other wearily. One could never be too certain with those loofa maniacs…

6. Cats will never notice or point out the obvious mistakes and problems with you, your family, your friends, your room, your class schedule, your homework, the way you hold chopsticks, the way you drink from a straw…etc etc…

"He he he, who does that?" asked Celeborn with a laugh.

The others simply looked at each other with expressions that clearly said, 'is this dude frills?'

"umm," said Dr. Nikki, "Moving on…"

"no, really, who is that?"

7. Cats do not have money and/or jewels and will never insult you because you have a lack thereof and will not call you…

"Peasant!!" yelled Thranduil…the king…gleefully from across the room as he threw a gold coin at the scientist's forehead.

"Thranduil…the king…how many times do I have to tell you?!!! Don't throw gold coins as my head and call me peasant!!"

"Peasant!!" yelled the elven-king once more but this time threw a large ruby instead.

Sigh, 'at least he's learning…'

"Well now do you all believe me at least?"

"Yes, unfortunately we do," Galadriel said on behalf of the entire group. "It's painfully obvious that cats are much better pets. In fact, we have decided that WE want a cat. We want that cat!!" All of the elves turned in their seats and bounded over to ::gasp:: the precious Maggee!!

"No!" yelled the scientist, stomping her foot again, "That is MY cat and you cannot have her!!"

Ignoring the annoying human at the front of the room, the elves turned their attention to the kitten and beguiled the innocent creature with their oh-so-mystical elf-like ways.

"You can have ALL the food you want!! Tuna falvored cereal!!"

"We can ::snort:: all ::guffaw:: have really ::giggle:: good times ::laugh:: together!!"

"You can have gold and jewels!! Not a peasant!!"

'hmm…' thought Maggee, stroking her kitty chin thoughtfully. 'what's there to think about?'

"meow meow meow meow!!"

The elves rejoiced, singing and dancing at the kitty's decision to join their merry clan. 

The scientist's jaw dropped as she said, "You understood what she said?" 

"Of course, silly wanna-be scientist. She *obviously* speaks elvish."

"Come now kitty, let us take you to our tree-top lair and lavish you with food and riches."

Without so much as a backwards glance at the poor dejected scientist, the kitty and the elves marched of to the tree-top lair and lived happily ever after, leaving the poor dejected wannabe scientist to grovel in defeat and miss the evil kitten who left her for gold and riches….

"Kitten….how have you forsaken meeeeeeeee?!!!!! Whhhhhhhhhyyyyy??"

"Duh," said a bum who happened to be passing by, "For gold and riches."

"Oh yeah…hey aren't you the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell?"

"Yeah that was me."

"How did you get here?"

"You don't wanna know."

"umm…ooookay…wanna go grovel in defeat at McDonalds? We can get apple pies and diet coke!"

"Sure…"

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Wow….what a spew of dumb-ness….if you must flame….go ahead…it was pretty stupid….he he he but it was fun to write…believe it or not I have ideas for fics to add onto this…if you're interested just review!! Oh yeah, and to anyone who is reading Ancient Alliances Reborn, fear not I'm gonna post it very very very soon!!! Within the next few days so be on the look out!! K laterz!!


	2. The Myster that is the Evenstar

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He he he I apologize to every1 who is reading this fic….ur IQ is probably going to drop about…oh…20 pts by the time its over….he he he isn't it great?!

Responses:

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Lady LifeCharm- he he he thankx…it was random wasn't it? Excellent…thankx for the review

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Dorysblue- mwahaha!!! Awesome review…thankx so mucho!!

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Jenn- he he he I think "interesting" is a good way to put it…he he he im not sure the characters were accurate at all!! He he he at least I hope not, who knows…maybe elrond does have an eating problem!!! Gasp….thankx for the review!!

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Saera- random…stupid as hell…no point…yeah thatz wat I was going for…he he he…

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Reona- no!! don't pull an arwen…I don't think the fabric of the universe could stand the laughter!! ::tosses a bottle of Tylenol:: hopefully ull need it for this one too…::wink::wink:: thankx for the review!!

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Alida-Fruit- yay im glad u liked the Thranduil bit…me likey too….omg "men in tights" so one of the best movies ever!!! Mwahaha, I always try to say "im soo heppy" ya know lyk how the chick says it, but no one ever gets it…oh vell…thankx for the review!!

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Empress of Alvarra- Mwahaha!!!! I was sooo glad to get ur review as the first one…he he he im sure it was just the late hour…of course, couldn't forget the power point presentation, goodness knows how many ive had to suffer through…thankx for the review!!

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The Mystery that is the Evenstar

"Hmmm….Mordor looks nice this time of year," thought Elrond as he forced his fifth twinkie into his mouth while browsing through a colorful travel pamphlet , one of many littering his desk.

"Oh Elrond," said Haldir, who was in Rivendell because the author didn't especially feel like introducing any new characters I mean because Galadriel had finally become supersaturated with annoyance at the elf and sent him away to bother the Imladris elves for a few years. "Your secret shipment of travel brochures and twinkies has arrived."

"Haldir, if it was a secret shipment, how do you know about it?"

"Uhh…checking for letter bombs?" suggested the nosy elf with a half-hearted shrug.

"Suuure you…wait did you say twinkies?" And off he ran to claim his golden, creamy, artery clogging love. Life was good…if only it weren't for the reason Elrond was gathering travel brochures from far and wide; namely, his beautiful and nerve gratingly annoying daughter Arwen. 

Now, he loved his daughter of course, but an elf's delicate ears can only take so much. Plus, he had overheard snippets of conversations between other Imladris elves which included but were not limited to words such as revolt…mutiny…torture…lynching…So, he had decided to send Arwen on a…er…vacation. Yeah, a vacation…that makes it sound nice…

The only problem was *where* to send her, for the maiden was banned from most lands of Middle Earth and several sections of Valinor. It was a difficult situation.

Elrond moved back to his desk, laden with twinkies and ding dongs ( the Hostess people had thrown in a few boxes of those as well since he was such a valued customer. Do you realize how much it cost to ship twinkies to Middle Earth?! Nah, neither do I…)

"Haldir, gehoufonbeindozcutins!!" yelled Elrond in what he hoped was an intimidating voice, but its rather difficult to be very intimidating when your mouth is filled with scrumdidlyumptious treats.

Poking his head out from behind the hanging panels of velvet, Haldir said, "You talking to me?"

After taking a swig of nice, cold, frosty milk (did they have cows in middle earth? Heh…as if it would change anything…) Elrond said, "Yes! Get out from behind those curtains!!"

Silence.

"Haldir I already know you're there."

"Curse you and your elven gift of foresight Peredhil!!"

However, Haldir decided to ignore the elf-lord's demand and went to stand behind him, looking over his shoulder.

"Did you know you got a reply from Galadriel and Celeborn?"

"Did you know it's really annoying when someone reads over your shoulder?" replied Elrond as he shuffled through his papers, searching for the missive from his woodland in-laws.. With a cry of victory, he held the letter aloft and tried to break the seal but soon realized it was already broken, at which point Haldir began to whistle innocently.

Rolling his eyes, Elrond began to read the letter:

Elrond, though we, the ruling elves of Lorien, have taken much consideration into your application for admission to our realm on behalf of your daughter, Arwen Undomiel, we regret to inform you that your request has been denied. Unfortunately, Lorien has been closed for fumigation. We are currently under a rather fierce attack of locusts and telemarketers. As you might imagine, we're going to be closed for business and visitors for, oh, the rest of the age. Once again, you have our condolences. Kiss kiss…Galadriel and Celeborn Inc.

P.S. Tell Haldir he's weird ::snicker::snicker::

"Typical…" muttered Elrond as he unwrapped his umpteenth twinkie, simultaneously swatting away Haldir's hand as the Lorien elf reached to grab one of the treats. No one messes with Elrond's food…

Rubbing his hand and pouting, Haldir asked, "Where is Arwen, anyway?"

"Oh, I locked her into her room."

"So that's why that whole wing is closed down."

"Yup"

CRASH… "Out of the way, peasant!"

"Ahhh my eye!! Hey…is this a ruby…?"

"I see that Thranduil...the king…has arrived," muttered Elrond. 

Moments later the doors to Elrond's study swung open to reveal Thranduil…the king… and his ::drool:: dashing son.

"Hello Thranduil…the king…What brings you to Imladris?"

"Oh, you see…we're uh…traveling," said Thranduil…the king… with a conspiratory glance at his son.

"Yeeesss…traaaveling…" drawled Legolas with a large and completely obvious wink at his father.

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked Haldir

"WHY DO YOU ASK?! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!! DIE ELF-BOY!!" cried Legolas as he whipped out his bow and strung an arrow before you could say "Damn that's one hot elf…" and drool a bit…

"Whoa, Legolas," said Thranduil…the king… "We don't have anything to hide from our friends."

"No, of course we don't," said Legolas as he quickly lowered his bow.

"Whatever," said Elrond. The duo's reasons for "traveling" were probably illegal or immoral and quite possibly both, but hey he was the king after all. Who's going to stop him? "I have enough problems of my own. I had hoped to send Arwen to Lorien for a while, you know give my ears, I mean my people, a break from her constant laughter, but unfortunately it appears a plague of locusts and telemarketers has befallen the fair land."

"Oh? Uh, them too, eh?" asked Thranduil…the king…, thinking to himself, 'No way am I taking that bullet…'

"If only we knew *why* she had this affliction. Then we could try to solve it and *nobody* would have to suffer. Oh yeah and I guess it would benefit her too," added Haldir.

Thranduil…the king… and Elrond simply nodded their agreement while Legolas started fidgeting and said nervously, "Yeah…if only…that would be great…but too bad so sad. Hey look at the time! Well its been fun, come on Ada…the king…lets be on our merry way…"

"Wait just one minute, Mr. Prince…" said Elrond, looking the younger elf straight in the eye. "Did you take one of my twinkies?"

"Uh, no," said Legolas, no one noticing Thranduil…the king… shoving a twinkie box further into his robes. 

"Ok, just making sure…"

"Now if that's it, we'll just be going now," said Legolas, grabbing his father while he quickly backed out of the room. 

He was almost home free when a candle appeared over Haldir's head (no electricity, you know) and he said, "Hey hold on! I think he knows what happened to Arwen!"

The hot young elf prince quickly found himself surround by the looming faces of three agitated elf-lords. He nervously screeched, "What?! I don't know anything…Really!! I mean its not as if when Arwen and I were kids we were messing around in Elrond's library where we found a book of spells and I accidentally , well ok not accidentally, put a curse on Arwen and she's been laughing since…I mean…he he he…come on! That's…ridiculous?"

Three intense glares, one very large un-elflike gulp. Why did he have to open his big fat mouth?

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::whine:: "But Ada….I don't wanna!!"

"::giggle::giggle:: But Legolas…::snort:: we'll have so much ::laugh:: fun!!" 

"Well, Legolas, maybe next time you will think before placing a curse on someone…"

::grumble::grumble:: 

The older elves were watching as Legolas and Arwen sat perched atop horses, the noses of their noble steeds pointed towards the lovely prince's home. Apparently, Elrond and Thranduil…the king… had decided that Legolas' punishment would be to suffer Arwen's presence…I mean host the comely maiden in his woodland home. 

"I shall go on ahead and, uh, take care of that…traveling…" said Thranduil to his son with a look over his shoulder at the other elves, who took the moment to look everywhere but at the two elves in an attempt to pretend that they hadn't been listening to the conversation.

"And take heart in what Gandalf said regarding this matter, Legolas," advised Elrond. "The curse should wear out in one thousand years…two thousand top."

::sigh:: "Thanks Elrond."

"Well off you go. Remember to write sweetheart."

"::tee he he:: of course Ada!! ::chortle:: Bye! ::guffaw:: Kiss kiss…"

As Haldir, Elrond and Thranduil…the king… watched the two youngsters ride off into the distance, the echo of Arwen's laughter echoing through the valley, Elrond turned to Thranduil and said, "Why the hell do we say…the king…every time we say your name?"

"Who knows…" replied Thranduil…the king… with a shrug….

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Fin…

Stupid, I know…but hey at least I wont be offended if u want to review and tell me that its stupid!! Ill even agree with u!! so review, u have no excuse!!


	3. A Match Made in Valinor

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Howdy ho folks…wow I dunno why I wrote this…its currently nearly 3 in the morning…eh…read and review!!!

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The Laughing Lady and The Lost King of Men: A Match Made in Valinor

"Oh, your Highness!" called the entry-level servant as he searched, a large stack of mail in hand, for the missing prince. You would think the servants would be used to this task by now, as their acting leader had taken to hiding ever since she had come to lovely Lasgalen. But that Legolas was a darn good hider.

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"Where oh where has my little prince gone?

Where oh where can he be?

Hum hum hum

Are there any more words to this song?

Where oh where can he be?" sang the servant in a nasal voice, bowing slightly to the ringing applause around the hall before continuing his search

"Sooooooooiiiiieeeeeeeee!" cried the servant, getting desperate after hours of an involuntary game of Hide and Go Seek.

"Are you still looking for the prince?" asked the palace laundress as she walked down the large hall.

::sigh:: "Yes"

"Well I was just putting away his freshly laundered tunics, which smell like a summer breeze according the box of softener I have been using, but I really don't get how a breeze smells like anything as its only wind…"

Groaning, the servant (who we'll affectionately call Bob for now), Bob, thought to himself, 'Just my luck…the only help I get is from the old windbag laundry lady herself…'

"Dear lady," interrupted dear ole Bob after listening to the laundress for half and hour, "what exactly was the point of all this?"

"well!" cried the laundress, very offended, "Aren't we snippy today? I _just_ wanted to help you. Is this the thanks I get for trying to help a fellow servant?" her eyes began to not only fill with tears but the said tears began to spill over her cheeks and onto the floor.

"Im, uh, sorry…please…don't cry…" said Bob awkwardly, patting her back clumsily and looking around for anyone on whom he could dump the blubbering maiden.

"He's hiding in his stupid trunk, now leave me alone!" cried (literally) the lady before dumping her quite full basket of laundry over flustered Bob's head.

Bob stood in the hall for a while, a pair of the prince's dirty underwear on his head and a filthy sock on his shoulder, contemplating the benefits in asking to be reassigned as a horse poop cleaner guy, before bounding off to the prince's apartment.

"Your highness?" asked Bob slowly, sticking his head into the room cautiously.

"Prince Legolas?"

Making his way to the Prince's trunk in one of his closets, Bob slowly lifted the trunk lid with an eerie crrreaaakk….

"noooooooooooooooooo…." screeched Legolas from his postion huddled at the bottom of the trunk, one arm firmly grasping a dilapidated looking stuffed wolf.

"The liiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhhtttt…." screeched Legolas once more, a wild look in his eye. "The light will bring heeeeeeeeerrrrr…." lowering his voice suddenly, the prince reached out and grabbed Bob's shirt, pulling the servant so that he was partially in the box as well, "she mustn't find me…she wants…::sob:: she wants to….marry me!" whispered Legolas in a horrified voice.

"Now, now, your highness, you're a big elf now, you needn't marry anyone you don't wish to," said Bob consolingly, as he eased Legolas from the trunk.

Slowing unfolding himself and taking the letters from Bob, Legolas smothered a sob and said, "That's what I thought too…but im telling you! She's relentless…and she fights dirty!"

"yes, of course she does," crooned Bob, steering the prince toward his favorite seat by the window.

Legolas accepted a glass of water from Bob and quickly went through the mail…

"junk…junk…the Ladies of Lothlorien ::cough:: its not mine, really, must be adas…really…really…"

"of course, my lord," said Bob, rolling his eyes as Legolas stuffed the magazine into a drawer.

"What's this… 'You have just won a million gold coins'? Pssh as if I need a million more gold coins…Ahh a reply from ada!"

Breaking the seal with a jewel-encrusted letter opener, Legolas scanned the letter and groaned loudly.

"Trouble, Prince Legolas?" inquired the servant

"ugh…here read for yourself," muttered Legolas, passing the piece of parchment to Bob as he went to pour himself a large glass of wine.

"_Dear Son_," read Bob, " _The ::ahem:: business of which you are aware…dealing with you-know-what in you-know-where has proven to be…err…more difficult than we had anticipated. I'm afraid I won't be home for several more months…but don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out between you and Arwen. It might help to know that a marriage between Imladris and Eryn Lasgalen would be most profitable ::hint::hint:: She is quite a looker after all… Love, Adar_"

"I had hoped that the ::cough:: business would be taken care of by now and ada would be home soon," muttered Legolas, drowning himself in an ornate goblet.

"But your highness, it doesn't seem that your adar would try to stop a marriage between Arwen and yourself in any way. On the contrary he sounds quite pleased."

"Well, I wasn't so much hoping that he would stop the wedding, but rather that Arwen would take a liking to him and should one thing lead to another…."

"My lord, are you suggesting that the king would marry Elrond's daughter?!"

"Why not?" asked Legolas with a shrug

"Well, I doubt your mother would be overly pleased should her husband arrive in Valinor with another maiden on his arm."

"WELL **I **wouldn't tell her!"

"I think she might figure it out eventually my prince."

"Well it doesn't matter now…I'll just have to figure something else out…" the prince was interrupted as music to the song "I Got Chills" from Greece, began to stream into the room…

"uh oh…its her," cried the prince as Arwen, decked out in black leather appeared in the doorway and strutted closer toward the frightened prince with every verse.

"**I got the laughs**

::giggle::

****

They're multiplying

::laugh::

****

And im looooooooosing control

::snort::

****

Cuz the spell you placed

::guffaw::

****

Its electrifying!

::chortle::

****

You better shape up

::and so on::

****

Cuz I need someone

::and so on::

****

And my heart is set on you

::and so on::

****

Better shape up

::do you get the picture?::

****

Better understand

::she laughs a lot::

****

To my heart I must be true

::a lot::

****

You're the one that I want

::so im gnna stop now::

****

Hoo hoo hoo honey!

The one I neeeed

Oh yes indeeed

By the time she got to this part of the song, she was right in front of her prey. As always, she grabbed him and started dancing manically around the large room.

****

If you're filled with affection

Youre to shy to convey

Meditate in my direction

Feel your way….

"ARWEEEEEN!" cried Legolas, wrenching his hand out of her vice like grip

"Stop!"

"Don't you like ::giggle:: my song, Leggy?" crooned Arwen, pouting and making the oh so effective puppy dog eyes.

"1) No

2) you're butchering that song

3) Your heart doesn't want me…im just the only one here…."

"So ::giggle::? Read the ::laugh:: words of the ::chortle:: song…you ::snicker:: put this freakin ::ha!:: spell on me! Don't you think ::snicker:: that you owe ::he he he:: me something?

"That's why you're staying here!"

"No! that's just ::tee hee hee:: your punishment. You know ::hoot:: what the book said ::cackle::! I can either ::ha ha ha:: wait for the spell ::laugh:: which you put ::snort:: on me may I ::guffaw:: mention," added Arwen pointedly, to which Legolas simply rolled his eyes.

"OR, I can ::chuckle:: get married ::he he he:: to someone of ::laugh:: royalty. That means ::he he he:: you!"

"What about Elladan?"

"He's my ::snicker:: brother"

"Elrohir?"

"::he he he:: brother…and we're not ::laugh:: technically ::snort:: royalty."

"My adar?" asked Legolas hopefully

"Ewwwwwww! That would be ::snort:: like marrying :: guffaw:: my adar."

"But Arwen, I don't wanna marry you!" whined Legolas, stomping his foot.

"Well then go ::ha ha ha:: find me a ::snicker:: prince."

"Where do you go to find a prince?"

"Don't you think ::ha ha ha ha::…"

"No, not generally speaking."

"You ::he he he:: didn't let me ::laugh:: finish!"

"Well you take so long to say everything."

"That's mean ::chuckle:: if I weren't ::ha ha ha:: always laughing ::guffaw:: I would be crying ::hoot:: right now…Its not even ::laugh:: my fault!" cried Arwen, tears streaming down her face, though whether from sadness or mirth is for anyone to say. The elven princess (or the equivalent thereof) turned and dramatically threw herself across Legolas bed.

Sighing heavily and sitting on the side of the bed, as near to Arwen as he dared to get since that time she tried to lasso him, "Alright, I'm sorry. Please continue."

Sitting up happily, Arwen said "Well, I was ::laugh:: just saying ::ha ha ha:: that if I knew where ::tee hee:: to find princes ::snort:: I would ::cackle:: be there. As far ::snicker:: as I ::chuckle:: know you're ::he he he:: the only ::giggle:: elven prince ::chuckle:: outside of ::hoot:: Valinor!"

Frowning slightly, Legolas asked, "Arwen, is it just me or is your laughing getting worse?"

Screeching with laughter and holding her sides, Arwen could only nod 'yes' as she rolled back and forth on the bed. Legolas simply watched these goings on curiously, holding his chin thoughtfully and wondering what he would have for dinner.

"HELP ::CHUCKLE LAUGH GUFFAW:: MEEEEEEEEE!" cried Arwen as she rolled off the bed and onto the wooden floor with a loud thump. Legolas ran to the maiden's side and gently cradled her in his arms.

"Go, ::he he he:: Lego-::ha::-las! Go ::he he he:: find ::chortle:: me ::tee hee:: a ::hoot:: prince!!!!!"

Dropping Arwen with another even louder thump, Legolas jumped to his feet and ran to the stables, chased by the horrifying echoes of Arwen's grating laugh.

"This doesn't look much like Gondor," thought Aragorn to himself as he took in his surroundings.

Trees…yes there were lots of those…some squirrels…couple of flowers…more trees….lots of foresty things…and what were those pointy things? Oh yes, those would be arrows…and where those things at the end of the arrows? Oh yes, those would be elves…umm…oops?

"Who are you and why do you intrude upon our woods?" said a dangerous looking blonde elf as he stepped in front of the other elves. Legolas had been riding towards wherever one finds a prince for several hours before the elves currently on guard caught up with him. He had refused to go back to her until he had found her a suitable mate ( no matter what they bribed him with) so they had decided to tag along and try to prevent another "event". Oy, that was a headache…

Lifting his head regally, Aragorn said gravely, trying to hide the fear that made him want to pee his pants, " I am…"

"Who are you?!"

"I am…"

"Who are you?!"

"I am…"

"Who are you?!"

"I'm Aragorn!!!"

"Aragorn?"

"yes."

"Are you sure?"

"quite"

"hmm…"

"You know…Aragorn, the Lost King of Men?" said Aragorn proudly, not a little frustrated and hurt with this young-looking elf.

"Lost?"

"Frightfully so…"

"Lost in which way?"

"….how many ways are there?"

"mmm…as far as I know about 14"

"eh?"

"yes…you know you could be lost….or _lost_…or **lost**…or lost…or…"

"is this a trick question?"

"he he he maaaaaybe," said Legolas in a sing-songy voice, rocking on his heels.

Tears filled his eyes as Aragorn pouted at the tittering of the elves around him, who always enjoyed when the prince messed with travelers. Although it hadn't been that fun when the traveler turned out to be Lady Galadriel ::shudder:: Legolas didn't speak for a week…

Moving to sit on a tree stump a few feet to his right, Aragorn dropped his head into his hands and sobbed loudly, to the bewilderment of all the elves present.

"Erm…whats wrong?" asked Legolas awkwardly, he never knew what to do when someone was crying, especially when that someone was a fully grown man.

"Y-you're all l-laughing a-a-a-at meeeeeeee!" cried Aragorn into his hands, his hunched over shoulders shaking convulsively.

"We're not laughing at you, Aragorn, are we?" asked Legolas with a pointed look at the ring of warriors, who all shook their heads, willing to say anything that would make the man stop his blubbering.

"No, never"

"laugh? Us? No!"

Sniffing loudly, Aragorn looked up at Legolas and meekly asked " Really?"

"Of course we weren't," said Legolas, pulling a lacy pink hanky out of his pocket and handing it to Aragorn.

Aragorn thanked the elf and then promptly started another bout of wailing, burying his face into the crook of his arm.

"Now whats wrong?" asked Legolas worriedly.

"I t-told you! I'm l-l-l-loooooooooost!" howled the man.

"Um, maybe we can help you. Where are you trying to go?"

His eyes shining with hope, Aragorn turned to Legolas and, with one last sniff said "Really? Geez, that would be great. I've been trying to find Gondor all my life!"

"Did you try MapQuest?"

"eh?"

"Nevermind. If it won't make you cry some more, do you mind telling us why you're trying to find Gondor?" asked Legolas delicately

"I told you, I'm the lost King of men."

"Ahh I see….waaaaaaiiit!," cried Legolas, doing a double take, "….did you say king?"

"Yes," sniffled Aragorn as he wiped his drippy nose.

"Now," began Legolas as he paced around Aragorn's stump, "Would you call yourself 'royalty?"

Thinking to himself for a few minutes, Aragorn finally said, "Yes. Yes I would."

"Excellent," said Legolas, rubbing his hands together Mr. Burns style. He pulled one of the warriors to his side and, as music began to play softly, he sang:

****

Legolas: **"Le Foo I'm afraid I've been thinking.."**

Le Foo: **"A dangerous past-time…"**

Legolas: **"I know**

"The wheels in my head have been turning since I looked at the soggy young man

"See I promised myself I wouldn't marry that elf

"And now I'm evolving a plaaaaaaaan!!!

(whispering in Le Foo's ear)

Le Foo:**"But he!"**

(more whispering)

Le Foo: **"Would she?"**

Leogolas: **"Yes!"**

Le Foo: **"Now I get it!"**

Both**: Lets go!!!**

All elves:

No….one…plots like the prince

Takes cheap shots like the prince

Legolas**: Plans to persecute harmless cry-babies like the prince**

All elves:

And soon his wedding we will NOT be cel-e-brat-innnng…

My What A Guy!!!

Thhhhhhhhheeeee Prince!!!

As the music ended the elves stood with their arms in the air, chests heaving heavily.

"eh?"

"Nice singing, my lord," said 'Le Foo'

"Thanks! Now, grab the man…"

Before Aragorn even knew what was happening, the elves had tied him up and he found himself tossed over the shoulder of one. All he could do was wriggle as the elves formed a straight line and trotted off towards the palace, singing:

****

HI HO…HI HO…ITS OFF TO WORK WE GO…::WHISTLE::WHISTLE::WHISTLE::WHISTLE:: HI HO…HI HO…

__

OH NO!! whats gnna happen to Aragorn? Will he ever make it to Gondor? Will Arwen accept him as her husband? What in the world is Thranduil up to? Tune in next time!!


End file.
